We need to talk. Yes, it’s serious. You should probably sit down.
I’m sure you noticed I haven’t been looking for you at all this month. Did you wonder where I went? Well, I need you out of my life. Really. You’re such bad news and you’ve brought me nothing but heartache. I can’t do this anymore.
I get that you tried to comfort me when I broke up with booze. You were right there waiting in the wings. Anytime I wanted or needed you, there you were in one form or another just waiting for me to reach out. It’s like you thought you could catch me on the rebound and fill the void booze left. Oh. Wait.
But, the thing is, you make me feel like garbage and you make me hate myself. Almost as much as booze did.
And, I can’t imagine you’re that thrilled with me either, given the fact I started treating you the way I treated booze. Bingeing on you here. Swearing off you there. Ignoring you during the week and then smothering you all weekend. This can’t be any fun for you either.
I’ve been trying to cut you out of my life for so long and I am just so damn sick of this roller coaster we’ve been on. I’ll go weeks without you and I feel amazing. But, then out of nowhere I get sad or scared or nervous and I think I need you to comfort me. I relapse and fall right back into your arms. At first, it feels so good. And, then I just can’t stand myself.
It feels so great when we break up and I get to watch the number on the scale slowly get smaller. Then I check in with you for the tiniest moment just to make sure you’re still there, and then I have to see if you’re as good as I always remembered, and before I know it I’m looking in the mirror at my ass after days, weeks, months of bingeing and it’s 10 times bigger than it was last time we did this. What the fuck is that? I think you think that the more I hate myself, the more I will love you. That’s so messed up.
“Just moderate,” a friend told me. “Everything in moderation. If you give up sugar completely, the cravings will only build and eventually you’ll cave.”
I know that works for a lot of people. Most people, even. But not for me. Knowing where I was with alcohol and seeing how I’m using you, Sugar, I realize I am addicted to you and I have no choice but to eliminate you from my life, the same way I abandoned alcohol.
You know I’m an all or nothing type of girl. And, given the fact that eating you all the time no longer serves me (did it ever?), I’m going with nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. No sugar. Ever again. I mean it.
I know we’re going to see each other around. I mean, you’re everywhere. I see you all dolled up in that milk chocolate sea salt caramel number you wear. You know, on the eye level shelf in the natural food aisle at the grocery store where you sit there with your scrumptious self pretending not to be so bad for me? Puh-leeeeeeeze. I’m not as dumb as I look.
I know what a sneak you are, too. Like last night? Clinging to the walnuts on my salad at the restaurant. Or earlier today? When you were hiding out in the iced tea samples at Teavana just waiting for me to take a sip. Everyone knows there is no fucking way unsweetened iced tea can taste like juice. C’mon! And, for you to talk the staff into not labeling the tea as sweetened? And, then, force them to try to convince me to like you because you are all-natural, non-GMO beet sugar from Belgium. Whatever.
I know what you’re thinking. You’ll get me back in December when I do all my Christmas baking. Yup. I’m kind of thinking the same thing. A little bit. Or maybe a lot. But, don’t hold your breath. I have big plans for myself and you’re not part of them. At all.
Giving up isn’t in your nature. I know that. We’re a lot alike that way. You’ll always be there if I change my mind. I know. I will always love you. It’s just not going to work out. Not this time. No, we can’t be friends. Please just leave me alone.